Chapter 1
Rewritten. There are some spoilers for Gintama episode 18 and 8. Disclaimer: Gintama doesn't belong to me (obviously, should I even have to type this?)
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"Is something wrong Hijikata-san?" Shimura Tae stood at her door before the deputy leader of the Shinsengumi. Hijikata sighed heavily and let out a gentle poof of smoke from his cigarette.
"Well . . ." Hijikata trailed off and his mind drifted off to that incident several weeks ago.
"Yes . . . You should impale someone all the way through."
"Better yet, chop him to pieces."
"Tear him apart."
"Dismember him and stomp him into the ground." at that moment Hijikata had finally found someone who shared similar ideals as him when it came to killing someone. Hijikata glanced over at Shimura Tae who was smiling with blood lust. Hijikata felt his heart skip. He looked away and brushed it off as just a mayonnaise over dose. Later on that night when the panties thief finally appeared and Gintoki had failed to attack, Otae attacked.
"Don't underestimate . . . us women!" Another heart beat.
Hijikata hadn't realized how deeply he loved Otae, even though it grew involuntarily every time he saw her again. Every time he heard her scream violently and knock Gorilla out again, he felt his heart laughing while on the outside he ran to his commanders side. Every time he saw her smile while threatening to kill Gorilla. Every time he saw her pony tail bounce as she walked away. He came up with pathetic excuses to cover up for the feeling growing in his chest.
'It's probably just the result of too many cigarettes. I did have over a dozen bottles of mayonnaise last night. Actually, it must be the after affects from Sougo's attacks.' The list went on. Each time Hijikata would come up with a new excuse so he could deny the warm feeling pulling at his heart. He told nothing to Sougo about his situation even though Sougo began to notice after the fifth attack that Hijikata did not react to.
"Hijikata?"
"Eh, what do you want?" Hijikata had pulled out another cigarette and lit it with the fire Sougo had caused from the rapid gun shots he had just shot at Hijikata.
"Aren't you going to yell at me?"
"Tch, what's the point?" Sougo had stared at him in shock, unable to attack Hijikata for the rest of the day . . . well hour actually.
Finally it hit him after several beef bowls with 500 mL of mayonnaise and hours of screaming at the insane Sougo, that he indeed had feelings for her. However, there was someone else who also adored Otae.
"I won't give up after being turned down once or twice!" Hijikata rolled his eyes at the memory of his captain's continuous proclamations of love to Otae. All the same it wouldn't be fair of Hijikata to take away the women Gorilla loves so much. It was also not a guarantee that Otae would return Hijikata's feelings so Hijikata let out another poof from his cigarette and smiled at Otae.
"Never mind." Then he turned and headed back to the Shinsengumi headquarters.
"I wonder what that was about." a familiar and unwelcome voice met Otae's ears. She swiveled around to see Kondo Isao lying under the table set up in the middle of the room. Otae smiled and pulled her sleeve up.
"Get out right now."
"But Otae-san-."
"NOW!" with a resounding punch and kick Kondo was sent flying across the sky, past the relieved Hijikata.
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Yea that's right, I'm extending this story cause I just found a ton of HijiXOtae pictures and they've inspired me! They really do make a good couple. I wish more people would realize this V.V . . . I mean think about it . . . they're child would be the most violent kid in all of Edo!

Chapter 2
Thoughts are in italics.
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"What do you mean the mayonnaise is by the haagen-dazs?" vice commander of the Shinsengumi; Hijikata Toshiro had just been informed by a non-committed teenage convenience store cashier, that the mayonnaise is by the haagen-dazs.
What the hell.
"It's exactly as I said it. The mayonnaise is in the ice cream aisle!"
"Why the hell would you have the mayonnaise in the ice cream aisle? You should just go commit seppuku!"
"I'm not the one who set this place up! Now are you going to make a purchase or not?"
"Whatever,"
"And sir this is a no-smoking area," Hijikata growled in anger but still he took the burning cigarette out of his mouth and put it out on the ground. Hands in his pockets, a demonic glare on his face, a rumbling stomach, and to top it off no cigarette anywhere near his mouth. Boy someone was going to get hurt.
Slowly he made his way to the ice cream aisle which was conviently placed on the other side of the store. The condiment aisle, where the mayonnaise should've been, was the first aisle from the convenience store door. Anger, rage, fury. What an interesting combination. He finally arrived at the ice cream aisle where pots of tulips were hanging from the ceiling. This store made no sense what so ever. The sooner he bought his mayonnaise and left, the better. He scanned the line of treats until he saw, quite out of place, mayonnaise being chilled in ice. He snatched it up and glared at the ice chips in confusion. What the hell? No . . . no, just ignore it. Hijikata shook his head and made his way back to the counter.
"I'm sorry miss but we don't have 'Bargain Dash'. All we have is haagen-dazs. I'm sorry,"
"If apologies were enough, seppuku would not exist." a familar voice said sweetly. Hijikata glanced up to see Shimura Tae, giving off a deadly aura. Cautiously, Hijikata walked up to the counter. Otae glanced sideways at Hijikata and then smiled calmly as if the word seppuku did not just escape her lips. "Hello Hijikata-san,"
"Ah hello,"
"Mayonnaise hmm?"
"Yes," "Beside the haagen-dazs?"
"Yes," suddenly she grabbed him by his collar and flipped him over with incredible force. Hijikata blinked in shock and looked up at Otae,
"It's Bargain Dash," her voice was still sweet and calm. The cashier was scared out of his wits. Hijikata was over joyed.
Really Hijikata had no idea why he felt his heart beating harder. Maybe it was because of the sudden assault he had just recieved but for some reason when he stared at her as she walked out of the store, completely calm, he really couldn't help but feel his heart beat increase.

Chapter 3
Spoiler warning! Bits of episode 76 and 81. Many people say that the Yagyu story arc (ep.76-81) supports other pairings like Kyuubei and Otae and more so in the end Kondo and Otae. For me it's Hijikata and Otae all the way. Disclaimer: Gintama completely and entirely does not belong to me.
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"Hello? Kondo-san? It was no use, after all. You have no choice but to resign yourself..."
Screams errupted from the background as glasses flew past the Vice Commander of the Shinsengumi; Hijikata Toshiro, who watched the scene with a cigarette in the corner of his mouth and his cellphone to his ear.
"You say her refusal shows she likes you? No, I'd say 'No means no.'
" Plates whisked by followed by wine bottles spewing wine across the tables as they spun past. Ash trays were flung and screams continued while Hijikata calmly let out a puff of smoke.
"And another thing— don't send me on errands like this again." Hijikata flipped his cellphone shut and looked up at the cause of all the screaming and mayhem. It was none other than Shimura Tae, a calm smile on her face as she threw bodies half way across the snack house. She rose slowly from her fighter stance and placed her hand to her cheek in mock surprise,
"Ah what should I do? You've created such a mess customer,"
Hijikata stared at her from the booth. His heart skipped. Really. Don't send me on these types of errands again.
Later that night, after Hijikata had returned from his failed mission at recruiting Otae, he sat on the porch looking out on to the Shinsengumi grounds. Hijikata's familiar sword lay in his lap and there was no doubt about it, he was annoyed. A brand new sword and already cracked. How troublesome. And to have it inflicted by a shrimp no less. Really troublesome. And to have to come back to the headquarters to face Sougo munching on snack cakes while watching TV, really really troublesome.
"Hijikata-san, is this the second fight you've lost?"
I didn't lose. It's just that my sword cracked." Hijikata ran his hand over the cracked sword, a look on his face that was a mixture of remorse, annoyance, and trying to cover it all an uncaring glare that was constantly present.
"The boss of the Odd Jobs broke it in two— you lost that one."
"I didn't lose. As long as you don't give up in your heart, it doesn't count as a loss." his hand stopped and he saw against the cracked sword's reflection the smile of a certain person. He quickly covered the metal with his hand. That . . . He lifted his hand again and instead this time saw the gorilla-ish grin of his commander. Hijikata shuddered and quickly placed the sword back in it's sheath.
Behind him Sougo was rambling on but Hijikata had learned to drown out Sougo's monotone voice long ago. He stared up at the sky and twitched when he swore he saw that familiar smile again.
As long as you don't give up in your heart, it doesn't count as a loss.
_________________________________________________________________________________So this is basically a word to word copy of Hijikata's lines in episode 76 right? RIGHT! Please forgive me. I have hit a writer's block so huge that I can only offer this to you guys. I have a little idea that I'm working on that involves an encounter between Hijikata and Otae on a rainy day but other than that I'm pretty much stuck in a ditch. Hopefully I can find some Hijikata and Otae pictures to inspire me. Until next time, BARGAINMAYODASH!

"Eeek, what was that? Was it an earthquake?"
"Let's get out of here!"
The once heavily populated park was quickly emptied as the couples ran for their lives from the mysterious rumbles in the ground. Hijikata and Otae were left alone in a sea of abandoned picnic blankets. Hijikata by now had begun to sweat excessively and the pounding in his heart, although mostly composed of fear,had possibly a hint of admira. . . no it's probably just fear.
"—UNCARING—"
"Ahh wait wait! I'll eat it, I'll eat it. Please. . . just stop." That smile lit up her face again and she answered happily,
"Wah I'm so glad Hijikata-san!" then the bento box of horror was placed before Hijikata the second time that day. He held back a gag and took out a bottle of mayonnaise. As always he poured out almost all of the contents of the bottle onto the unspeakable black substance. Then he took the bento in hand and raised it to mouth level. Even with a pile of mayonnaise there was no denying the terrifying aura around the substance. He glanced up at Otae whose smile was long gone; in its place was a look that smirked and said 'Got you'. Hijikata immediately began to panic inwardly, THAT WAS ALL AN ACT? She's not thankful for the umbrella at all! She was humiliated that I saw her in such an embarrassing situation! Now she's trying to silence me! Silence me forever!
Hijikata stared at the deadly meal waiting him. He looked back up at Otae who had switched back to her kind smile. She stared back at him expectantly. There was so much sweat on Hijikata that he could have filled up an ocean.
There's no escaping this, it's either eat and die or . . . die PAINFULLY by the hands of that woman. SHIT! Whatever!
Then Hijikata took the spoon at his side and scooped up the mayonnaise and alien substance mixture.
He took a bite.
Chewed.
Swallowed.
It wasn't that bad.
He took another bite and then another. Pretty soon there was nothing left in the bento box.
"Ah," Hijikata looked up calmly at Otae while still chewing on the last of the mayonnaise and who-knows-what-it-is.
WHAT? Otae drew back in shock and horror. Her mouth hung open as she gawked at the man before her, the only one to ever be able to consume her cooking without severe and immediate damage to the organs. No blood spurting out? No screaming? No fainting? This doesn't make sense?
"Well thank you for the meal. You can keep the umbrella." Hijikata stood up and walked away, leaving a very puzzled Otae. Hijikata lit up a cigarette, inhaled then with a long exhale of smoke, he smiled.
Late at night at the Shinsengumi Headquarters, Yamazaki; resident badminton expert, awoke because of nature calls. As he approached the bathroom he was surprised to hear guttural gagging echoing down the dark hallways. Once he entered and turned on the lights he found Shinsengumi's Demon Vice Commander; Hijikata Toshiro, kneeled over the toilet and vomiting in pain.
"That damn woman!"
Yamazaki did what any sane person would do, he turned off the lights and returned to bed.
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Haha bet you weren't expecting another update so soon! Well now that I've typed out all this I've probably reached my limit. See you in another year or so. . .

其实我对翻译好感兴趣的呢~
可惜最近时间太少了，连银魂新出的很多集都没有看.....

试着翻译一段吧~
“我们由我们所行重复之事决定，杰出是一种习惯，而不是行为。”
——亚里士多德
我在写短篇/读切/故事方面臭名昭著。请当心。
【额啊啊啊，好像完全都是不相关的内容啊.....请无视吧~

"Package for you,"
"Eh?" Hijikata raised an eyebrow at the suspicious dark package and glared at Sougo. "What is it?" Sougo shrugged and carefully Hijikata accepted the package from Sougo and unwrapped its paper and string encasement. The two knelt on the floor to peer over the package and stared in surprise at the simple bento that sat before them. Immediately Hijikata had a flashback to the bento he had eaten barely a week before and was still recovering from.
"Hijikata-san, Hijikata-san, why are you so pale?"
"Throw it away," "But Hijikata-san—,"
"Throw it away,"
Hijikata glared at Sougo with gritted teeth, his cigarette slowly being grinded into two halves. "Fiiine," Sougo took back the bento and stood back up. He began to leave the room but stopped at the doorway and glanced over his shoulder at Hijikata who in return glared sharply at him. Sougo began to speak as he slowly removed the lid of the bento,"Hijikata-san don't you think we should at least—,"
"SOUGO DON'T—" It was too late, the lid flew off the bento as the trapped black menacing substance broke out in freedom and roared in anger, quickly it consumed the room in pitch dark and the only audible sounds were Hijikata and Sougo's screams.
The next day Yamazaki headed out alone for morning patrol as nearly half the Shinsengumi had been mysteriously bedridden by an unknown illness that spread rapidly through the ranks, affecting even the Commander, Vice Commander, and Sougo. Yamazaki wasn't too happy with standing in for morning patrol since he usually spent mornings at badminton practise but nonetheless with a sigh he opened the Shinsengumi's main gates. Much to his surprise, especially on that sunny and bright day, an umbrella lay on the ground before Yamazaki. He picked it up and asked out loud,
"Isn't this the Vice Commander's umbrella?"


是作者介绍呢，哈哈
这个还没贴完，还有挺多的，慢慢来。如果有人催了，要看下面的，再贴

嗯嗯，这篇好长啊

~音盲求翻译

= =
好长，这种时候谷歌度娘合体版的好处就体现在这里了~

当麻！！！

土问下谷歌度娘合体版是什麽，什么好处