A Lesson
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. “Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. “Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”
一节课
化学老师要讲解酒精的危害，就设计了一个实验，用一杯水，一杯威士忌，还有两条虫子。
一条虫子放水里，虫子扭动身体，游来游去。
一条虫子放酒里，虫子马上就沉底死透了。
老师说：你们从中得出啥结论？
一个总是坐最后边的男孩说：喝酒，身上没虫子！

Beer & Wife
It was late one night when a man walked into a bar. He sat down and asked the bartender to bring him a beer. The bartender did. So the man quickly drank down the beer, then looked into his pocket, sighed, and asked the bar tender for another beer. So once he received this beer, the man again drank it down. After that he looked into his pocket again, sighed, and ordered another beer. Now this went on for quite some time, and each time the man finished a beer he would look into his pocket and then order another. Now the bartender had begun to get suspicious so he said, “Hey man, how come every time you drink a beer you look into your pocket?” Now the man replied, “Well.....I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. And I keep on drinking until she looks good, and then I go home.”
啤酒和老婆
夜里，很晚了，一个家伙走进酒吧，坐下，要了杯啤酒，喝掉，然后，看了看夹克里的口袋，长叹一声，又要了一杯。
如此重复多次，酒保好奇，就问为什么。
那人说：哦，兜里是我老婆的照片，不知道喝多少，才能让她看起来漂亮点啊！唉！

What Is Politics?
Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
Father: Sure Son. What’s the question?
Son: What is politics?
Father: Well, let’s take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let’s call me Management. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we’ll
call her Government. We take care of your needs, so let’s call you the People. We’ll call the maid the Working Class and your baby brother we will call the
Future. Do you understand?
Son: I’m not really sure, Dad. I’ll have to think about it.
That night, awakened by his baby brother’s crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy
went to his parents’ room and found his mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid’s room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed
with the maid.
The boy’s knocking went totally unheard by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to bed.
The next morning:
Son: Dad, now I think I understand politics.
Father: That's great Son. Explain it to me in your own words.
Son: Well, Dad, while Management is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep. The People are being completely ignored and the Future is
full of shit.
政治是啥？
儿子：爸爸，我的作业，要我讲讲政治。
爸爸：好吧，用家里打比方。我挣钱，所以，我是资本家；你妈妈管钱，她是政府；我们管你的一切，你是人民；女佣，是工薪阶层；你那小弟弟，还是个婴儿，他就是未来了。
儿子：不懂。
晚上，婴儿大哭，儿子醒了，去看出了啥事？发现，婴儿的尿布上都是屎，而他妈妈在呼呼大睡，而爸爸在女佣房里折腾。每个人都喊不来，儿子只好回去睡觉。
第二天，儿子说：爸爸，我懂政治了！
爸爸：好，试试看？
儿子：哦，资本家在折腾工薪阶层，政府在睡大觉，人民无人理睬，未来呢？到处都是屎！

A Brave Woman
A man & wife entered a dentist’s office. The Wife said, “I want a tooth pulled. I don’t want gas or Novocain because I’m in a terrible hurry. Just pull
the tooth as quickly as possible.” “You’re a brave woman said the dentist. Now, Show me which tooth it is.” the doctor said. The wife turns to her
husband and says “Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.”
猛女
一对夫妻，来到牙医诊所。
妻子说：拔颗牙，不要麻醉，我有急事。
牙医说：你好勇敢啊！拔那颗？
妻子说：老公，来！给大夫看看。

特朗普赢了大选，刚刚的。
就想起个布什的笑话，布什是智商最低的美国总统，IQ=100.
好消息！
总统的体检单下来了，他身体很棒！！！
但是，他的智商测试单，却迟迟下不来，不知道为啥！

Confession Box
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but
still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: “No use
knockin’ mate, there’s no paper in this one either.”
忏悔室
醉汉，晃悠着走进天主堂，坐在忏悔室里，一言不发。
抓狂的牧师咳嗽一声，那边还是没动静。
牧师没办法，敲敲墙壁好几回——
最后，醉汉回答了：别敲了，没用，我这儿，也没纸！

An Hour of Pleasure
The dean of women at an exclusive girls’ school was lecturing her students on sexual morality, “we live today in very difficult times for young people. In
moments of temptation,” she said, “ask yourself just one question: is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?” A young woman rose in the back of
the room and said, “excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?”
一小时欢愉
女校校长，对女生讲性道德：“这是个充满诱惑的时代，但别忘了想象，一小时的欢愉，换来一辈子的羞耻，是否值得？”
后边的一个女生站起来问：“打断一下，你是怎么做到1小时欢愉的？”

Five Stages of Drunkeness
醉酒5阶段
* Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to
anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting
argument when both parties are SMART.
阶段1——聪明
此时，你会突然变成一名专家，在任何已知世界的任何领域之中，都是专家！你知道自己什么都懂，想把真理，传递给任何人！在本阶段，你总是对的，而跟你说话的人，则总是错的。如果对方也像你一样“聪明”，会导致一场有趣的争论！
* Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they
fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
阶段2——好看
当你发现，你是酒吧里，最漂亮的人，人人都喜欢你，你就处于这个阶段了。你可以走到一个漂亮的陌生人跟前，她很崇拜你，很想跟你聊聊。记住，此时，你依然是最聪明的人，可以大谈天下的任何话题！
* Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money
parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you’re still SMART, so naturally, you will win all your bets. It doesn’t
matter how much you bet ‘cus you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
阶段3——有钱
当你突然变成世界首富时，所处的阶段。你要给酒吧里所有的人买酒，因为酒吧后院，你的加长车里，装满了钱！这个阶段，如果你打赌，准赢，因为你还是那最聪明的啊！赌多少都没关系，有钱嘛！给所有人买酒，你是世界美男啊！
* Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you.
At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of the wits智慧 or money. You have no fear of
losing this battle, because you are smart, you’re RICH, and Hell, you’re better looking than them anyway!
阶段4——勇敢
现在，你能挑战任何人、所有人！尤其是那些跟你争论，或者打赌的人。你是无敌的，刀枪不入，你能把别人身边的美女抢过来，因为你又聪明又有钱，还漂亮！
* Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU, You dance on a table to impress the people whom you
fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street
singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still SMART, you know ALL the words!
阶段5——隐身
醉酒的最高阶段。此时，你干啥都行，别人看不见你。你可以在桌子上跳舞，来吸引你喜欢的人，而别人是看不见你的。想打你的人，也看不到你。在街上溜达，高声叫喊，也没事，别人听不到，也看不到你，怕啥？你是最聪明的，啥都知道！

农夫的麻烦事
农夫坐在酒吧里，醉醺醺。邻居过来问：“这么好的天气，干嘛喝醉啊？”
农夫：“有些事，弄不懂啊!"
邻居：“有啥祸事了？”
农夫：“哦，今天，我坐在奶牛边，挤牛奶。奶桶快满了，奶牛却用左腿把桶踢翻了！”
邻居：“不是啥大事啊！”
Farmer: “Some things you just can’t explain.”
Man: “So what happened then?”
Farmer: “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.”
Man: “and then?”
Farmer: “Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”
Man: “Again?”
农夫：“有些事，弄不懂啊!"
邻居：“还有啥事？”
农夫：“我把牛左腿绑在柱子上，继续挤奶。刚挤满，奶牛右腿，又把桶给踢了。”
邻居：“又踢了？”
Farmer: “Some things you just can’t explain.”
Man: “So, what did you do then?”
Farmer: “I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.”
Man: “and then?”
Farmer: “Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”
Man: “Hmmm...”
农夫：“有些事，弄不懂啊!"
邻居：“那你咋办的？”
农夫：“绑它右腿。”
邻居：“然后呢？”
农夫：“又快挤满时，这牲口又用尾巴把桶弄翻了。”
邻居：“又翻了？”
Farmer: “Some things you just can’t explain.”
Man: “So, what did you do?”
Farmer: “Well, I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked
in.....”
农夫：“有些事，弄不懂啊!"
邻居：“你接下来，做了啥？”
农夫：“哦，没绳子了，我就用腰带，把它的尾巴绑在椽子上了。刚弄好，我的裤子掉了，我老婆也走进来了！”

The Lakefront Hotel
At the Lakefront Hotel where I worked in downtown Chicago, the official maxim was “Give the customers what they want.” Our ability to meet that goal was
tested one day when a large tour group overwhelmed the registration area. One impatient man bullied his way through the crowd, banged his fist on the front
desk and demanded, “I want a room that faces the ocean!” In a voice that all could hear, the young clerk answered, “Certainly, sir. Atlantic or Pacific?”
湖边旅馆
我在芝加哥老城的湖边旅馆干活，经理要我们满足顾客的一切需求！这天，出事儿了。
那时，前台挤满了人，一个家伙挤过人群，拳头砸在桌上，全力喊道：给我个朝海的房间！
我说：好的，先生，朝向太平洋?还是大西洋？

Vacation
While vacationing in Florida, my family enjoyed dining in the hotel restaurant because of its excellent buffet. Each night the chef meticulously carved a
sumptuous roast so that every slice rippled off paper-thin. My husband marveled at the young man’s ability and asked how he had learned to slice meat so
thin. “Oh, it’s easy,” the chef replied, grinning, “when you come from a family with ten children.”
假期
佛罗里达休假时，旅馆餐厅的自助餐不错，我家人都喜欢。每片烤肉，都像纸一样薄，微微弯曲。
我老公对大厨的技能很诧异，就问他怎么学的。
“容易！只要你家有10个孩子就会了！”大厨笑着说。

What would you do if I died?
“Dear,” said the wife. “What would you do if I died?” “Why, dear, I would be extremely upset,” said the husband. “Why do you ask such a question?” “
Would you remarry?” persevered the wife. “No, of course not, dear” said the husband. “Don’t you like being married?” said the wife. “Of course I do,
dear” he said. “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?” “Alright,” said the husband, “I’d remarry.” “You would?” said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
“Yes” said the husband. “Would you sleep with her in our bed?” said the wife after a long pause. “Well yes, I suppose I would.” replied the husband. “
I see,” said the wife indignantly. “And would you let her wear my old clothes? “I suppose, if she wanted to” said the husband. “Really,” said the wife
icily. “And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?” “Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.” “Is
that so?” said the wife, leaping to her feet. “And I suppose you’d let her play with my golf clubs, too.” “Of course not, dear,” said the husband.
“She’s left-handed...”
如果我死了，你咋办？
妻子说：如果我死了，你咋办？
丈夫说：我会很难过——，为啥要问这个？
妻子坚持问：你会再婚吗？
丈夫说：不，当然不，亲爱的。
妻子问：你不喜欢婚姻生活？
他说：当然喜欢。
那你为何不再婚？
好吧，那我就再婚吧。
你再婚？真的吗？——妻子看起来很受伤
是的。——丈夫说。
你会跟她睡在我们的床上？
嗯，有可能。
你会让她穿我的衣服？
我想是吧。如果她愿意。
你会用和她的合影，替掉我们的合影？
是的，也许应该这么做。
真的？那你也会让她用我的乒乓球拍了？
当然不会！她是左撇子啊——

What's It Cost
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male
students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.” He continued, “Anybody caught
breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?” At this point, a
male student in the crowd inquired: “How much for a season pass?”
多少钱？
开学，院长讲话：男生不能进女生宿舍，女生，也不能进男生宿舍！发现一次，20块罚款！两次，60块！三次，180块！有问题吗？
一男生问道：月票多少钱？

就翻译了这么多，
给大家看个新鲜。
还有600多个，
有空再来。